This morning Munchkie and I drove Munchkie's Daddy to work and then we drove to take her to the babysitter's. When I turned right to go into the driveway and Munchkie saw the house she started crying, screaming "NO! NO! NO!", waving her hands no, and kicking her legs. Just by driving into the driveway. Then I parked the car and got out and she held onto her car-seat straps and said "Please? Please? No! No! No!" but I had to take her out of the car-seat. I pulled her out and she wrapped her legs around me, held me in a death grip and laid her head on my shoulder.
We stood in the driveway and cried together.
After several minutes of trying to compose myself I grabbed Munchkie's bags and walked up to the front door. We pressed the doorbell while a lady was smoking on the front step and the poisonous second hand smoke was wafting over us.
I stood there and told Ana "Remember all your favorite Elmo toys? Your Elmo music book is upstairs. Do you want to play with all of your Elmo toys?"
She replied "Yes!"
I said "Ok, then we have to go upstairs so you can play."
We pressed the doorbell again. Nothing.
Then we walked back to the car so I could check with Munchkie's Daddy that they were expecting us. Munchkie started crying then and said "Elmo! Elmo!" So I was hopeful that maybe once she saw the Elmo toys that it would be smooth sailing.
Finally on the third ring we were let upstairs. At first when Munchkie saw the babysitter she smiled and waved, then when the babysitter held her arms out for Munchkie she turned and clung to me. I took her inside, put her bags down and set up her sound machine. The whole time she was crying. I said give mommy a kiss, kissed her through her tears and wide open mouth begging me "Please Please" then walked out. I could hear her crying as I walked down all three flights of stairs.
I frantically got in my car and lost it just as the door closed. I sat there and cried.
I thought that I had it together so I began to drive away. I cried as I drove.
How can I sleep to prepare for work tonight? Is it really worth it? Nobody said it was easy. But nobody said it would be THIS hard to be a working mom.