MY Mama Never Said There'd Be Days Like This!

Well, at least if my mom did tell me there would be days like these, I didn't listen to her.  To start, I am writing this at 2:09 am.  I worked Friday night through Wednesday night with Monday night "off", which means that I spent at least part of the day sleeping for work, working or sleeping from work, Friday through Thursday and spent over 63 out of 133 hours at work.  Ugh!  Today I intentionally only allowed myself a few hours sleep in the hopes that I would be able to sleep tonight.  Nice try!

While working so much there was absolutely no way that I could even fathom thinking up, making and cleaning up after a meal.  I have never been so thankful for Chipotle in all of my life.  I was able to "provide" a meal that was full of veggies, beans, and meat free of hormones or antibiotics.  It was a delicious meal that fed us that night, then Munchkie and Munchkie's Daddy the next day for lunch as well.

I just don't ever think that I realized how tired a person could be.  Emotionally and physically.  All this work, prep for traveling to the in-laws this weekend, more work, traveling 17 hours to the family lakehouse, more work and then moving is a lot for one little family to handle!  I just never expected my life to be like this.  So busy all of the time that I can barely keep my head on straight, let alone do things that are enjoyable.  On Tuesday when I woke up I took Munchkie to daycare, Munchkie's Daddy to work, came home, got a quick work out in, showered, dashed off to the dentist, came home, tried to sleep for a couple hours, got my dinner and Munchkie's lunch ready for the next day, laid her outfit out, while trying to have some quality time with the family at the same time as I was getting ready for work.  Whew!

So how is it, that after this exhausting week I cannot fall asleep?  How is this possible?  Probably a lot of it has to do with the fact that when my head hits the pillow it starts running like crazy.  Making lists for the store, making lists of things to pack for this weekend, making lists of things to pack for two weeks from now, figuring out what days I can get all of the laundry done, plotting out a Word document of all the things we need to measure at the new apartment next week, who I need to call to catch up with and meals I can put together or bring with me to keep eating healthy during these busy times.

Throughout this I am finding it even more important to deliberately spend time with my family.  Something I thought just happened.  I never realized that you have to specifically set aside time to spend with those you live with.  Through all of this we are trying to make time to get a little movement in together.  This actually works out beautifully, we go walking on paths by our house laughing, talking and playing together.  We look for animals and identify different sounds we hear.  Then we sit on the rock and watch for boats to go by before heading back watching out for rocks and roots.  Taking this time in the quiet, peaceful outdoors has really showed me how great it is to spend time moving as a family, it makes those busy times just melt away for a little while.

Twinges to a Bursting Heart

For whatever reason Munchkie has woken up several times already tonight crying out.  Sometimes it's just a little cry and then she falls right back to sleep.  A few times she has not been able to calm until one of us goes upstairs.  I don't want for her to become dependent on us to sleep and I want her to be able to soothe herself back to sleep, but she is just so precious that I want to stay at her crib.  I love to watch her sleep, comb my fingers through her hair and hold her chubby little hand.  She almost instantly falls back to sleep, just knowing that Mama is there.  Sometimes, if she's had a really bad dream, she will say "snuggle for a minute Mama?" and how can you turn that down?  I certainly can't.  I have to jump on any opportunity to cuddle with that crazy girl.

I don't know what it is about a sleeping child, but it sends a wave of peace over you and your heart feels as though it is about to burst with love.  Even if the trip upstairs to bed was a fight and an ordeal.  That sleeping form makes all of the frustration disappear and there is nothing but love. It's not even something that can be described.

Nights like these make it so difficult to go back to work in a couple nights.  While I have always enjoyed working nights, I am not there when she cries out.  I don't get to spend those extra moments leaning over her crib watching her sink back into a deep sleep.  In the middle of the night and hours of the early morning, it's not my name she cries, she has come to realize that I am not a reliable person to come to her rescue.  It's daddy who is there every night.  Daddy who gets her ready for bed.  Daddy who comes to cover her with her blanket when she wakes all disoriented.  When Mama is there, it's a surprise and not the expected.  Even while my heart is near bursting, this realization feeds a nagging twinge.  A twinge that is difficult to ignore.  A twinge that I will feel as I care for other children in the dark hours of the night and early morning.  I just hope that my bursting heart can help me better care for those children in need when I am away from my own.

Sleep, Where Are You?

It's 3:30am and I am beyond wide awake.  I have organized my magazines in the blue basket they sit in.  I have been waiting for hours as 165 photos upload online to print off.   I finished the book that I only got a few chapters into on vacation.  And I'm still wide awake.

I had great plans for tomorrow.  I was going to scrapbook for the first time in years.  I was going to read a few chapters of the book I just finished.  Clean the house.  Maybe even use my Mother's Day gift certificate and get a manicure.  I was going to hopefully sit out in the sun a little bit so I could get some natural vitamin D.

Now it is an hour of the day that can't really be called the middle of the night anymore, but no normal person would call this morning.  My day off is shot.  I slept all day, straight through my alarm.  I swore to myself when I went to sleep that I would definitely wake up today.  Today would be different. I would wake up and make the most of two days. 

Looks like I'll be sleeping all day tomorrow/today.  At least Munchkie will be in daycare so I don't have to feel guilty about missing out on another day with her.  Because that guilt is one that is too much for me.

A Day in the Life

I wrote most of this in the car on the way to my inlaws for Easter. I thought I would share a day in the life of Munchkie's Mama. And then I wonder why I'm tired.....

4:45am Alarm goes off, press snooze
4:47am Feel guilty for pressing snooze, so put glasses on.
4:50am Get out of bed and go downstairs
4:55am Take preassembled French toast casserole out of fridge, mush up defrosted fruit and put on top and sprinkle crumb topping over. Put in the oven.
5:05am Go back upstairs to Munchkie’s room and administer nebulizer treatment.
5:15am Put on exercise clothes and get DVD ready to go.
5:17am Put scrubs in dryer on wrinkle release setting because they were wadded up in the bottom of a laundry basket.
5:20am Begin torture aka Jillian’s 30 day shred.
5:35am Pull casserole from oven, resume work out.
5:55am Dripping in sweat, grab apple and quickly eat while getting ready for shower.
6:05am Take shower, dry hair, get ready.
6:32am Finish packing suitcase for Munchkie and I.
6:3 5am Run upstairs, flip lights on to wake Munchkie’s Daddy up and yell, “I’m late I’m really late get up get up get up!”
6:37am Come back downstairs, grab lunch, put on scrubs, sweep bathroom and kitchen for anything missed or left behind.
6:39am Put shoes and jacket on.
6:41am Dash out door with casserole, work bag, and tote with change of clothes.
6:58am Arrive to work and make it upstairs as fast as I can.
7:01am Swipe into work one minute late.
8:32am Have already realized that I forgot something, call Munchkie’s Daddy.
12:45pm Sit to eat a salad.
2:10pm Call Munchkie’s Daddy to see how things are going.
6:23pm Realize that I told Munchkie’s Daddy to bring the eggs, but not the egg decorating kit. He says he’s already got it.
7:33pm Get out of work, change clothes and walk out.
7:38pm Do some slight rearranging of car to fit self and more stuff into the car that already has two adults, two dogs, one toddler, two suitcases, three Easter baskets, Easter basket contents, medical supplies for the wheezing toddler, and several storage tubs to store at inlaws.
7:39pm Insert “Elmo’s Potty Time” into DVD player.
7:40pm Ask Munchkie’s Daddy about everything you can think of that might have been missed.
7:49pm Resort to fast food for dinner because there aren’t many options.
8:35pm Give Munchkie blanket, doll and Elmo and say it’s night night time.
8:53pm Realize that the Easter dress your mother in law made is hanging on the back of Munchkie’s bedroom door.
8:57pm Call work to laugh about it, because what else can you do.
9:01pm Tell Munchkie she’s not funny and that it’s night night time.
9:03pm Explain to Munchkie that we can’t go home yet to go night night because we have to go see Nana and Grandpa.
9:04pm Explain to Munchkie that her Uncle is away at college and will not be there.
9:10pm Tell Munchkie it’s night night time.
9:13pm Put pillow inbetween driver and passenger seat to form a wall.
9:15pm Tell Munchkie to go night night.
9:17pm Realize that Munchkie is dripping in sweat in her fleece pjs.
9:18pm Turn on cold air and start shivering.
9:20pm Begin to ignore Munchkie.
9:45pm Search gps for area stores.
10:08pm Arrive at Walmart.
10:16pm Try to hold back tears when there are no dresses to be found.
10:17pm Find dress on way out of store and figure out which is the lesser of the evils while envisioning the beautiful pink and white checked dress hand made with love.
10:18pm Join what seems to be one of many never ending lines.
10:34 Listen as the cashier states “You would think people didn’t realize that stores were open tomorrow” and reply “Well my excuse is that 2 hours into our trip to my inlaws we realized that my daughter’s Easter dress my mother in law made is sitting at home” then have cashier say “What is your problem mom can’t get things together?” Tell cashier “My problem is that I woke up before 5am, worked all day until 7:30pm and then started on the road” Cashier replies ”Ok, well you probably should have gotten it ready for your husband ahead of time.”
10:36pm Finally get out of Walmart feeling like the worst mom ever and resume travels.
11:25pm Soothe a crying Munchkie back to sleep.
11:55pm Soothe a crying Munchkie back to sleep.
12:24am Soothe a coughing, crying Munchkie back to sleep.
12:49am Tell Munchkie that it’s ok, we’re almost there the neb treatment is coming soon.
12:58am Arrive to inlaws. Run inside, set up neb machine.
1:03am Administer neb to a very cranky and sleepy Munchkie.
1:17am Literally fall into bed.
6:15am Alarm goes off, wake up and shower.
Happy Easter

Aquarium Day....... Again....

I have been reading a book that my good friend sent me "I Don't Know How She Does it" by Allison Pearson and while I can relate to a lot of what is happening in the book, it also makes me feel so much better that maybe I do hold my life together.  I have laughed quite a bit in understanding of the situations and feel like there is finally a book I can relate to while being a working mom.  The pure exhaustion, intense guilt of going to work and desire to "make up" for the time spent away from family.  The book makes me feel legitimized in my feelings and helps me know that I am not the only mother who both loves and hates her job at the same time.  I hate to go because it's so hard to leave but when I'm there I love what I do.  Still, I think of the sacrifices that could be made to stay at home,  not leaving my daughter in the care and control of someone else.

In the book the main character, Kate Reddy, talks about what an awesome responsibility parenthood is.  She says that YOU decide what to teach your kids.  It's up to YOU to help them form their beliefs, morals and ways of life.  What you say, your children believe and your life is an example to them.  She talks about how hard it is to not want your kids to drink juice, but then you aren't there every day to enforce these rules, someone else, that you are paying to grow close to your child, is the one who decides how the rules are followed through.

Now all this to say that I have been overly sensitive lately about having to go to work and leave my daughter in the care of people whom I barely know.  I am giving them my daughter and my hard earned money.  Something seems slightly wrong about this.  So in my guilt, I have been trying to do fun things with Munchkie on my days off.  We have gone to the aquarium weekly for a couple of months now because she loves it so much.  We went to get our car washed several times in the last couple months just for fun, and I let her walk along beside me in Target because I want the time we spend together to be happy memories for both of us.

This week when we were at the aquarium I noticed (and obviously was bothered by it, or I wouldn't be blogging) that the other moms were giving me this look.  We go first thing in the morning, just minutes after the aquarium opens, on a weekday when there aren't many people there.  The moms look at me and give me this look.  The only way I know how to describe it is "Aren't you just so glad that we get to stay home and do things with our kids?  We are providing so much more to them by staying home and enriching their lives with outings such as the aquarium."  I really am not imagining these looks.  At first I thought I was just crazy, but then I realized that every single mom gave me that look.  And the two dads that were there with their children had almost guilty looks on their faces.  Probably similar to what I was feeling, the "I work so much and spend so little time with my children that I take them to places like the aquarium so we can have a good time together and talk about it for several days afterword while I continue to work and not be home."  I wanted to punch these moms in the face and tell them that they have no idea.

While Munchkie and I were at the children's touch and explore tank, feeling sea stars and crabs, there were three moms, with their kids running around uncontrolled, talking.  I overheard their conversation and had to roll my eyes.  They were discussing the academies they were applying to get their kids into.  The one mom asked if they had been to visit a certain academy and the responding mom waved a hand in the direction of a crazy young boy running around saying "well I don't know if we would be able to get in because we have to work on such and such."  The boy couldn't even talk yet.  Seriously?  You spend your days discussing what you have to work on with your preverbal toddler to get them into an academy so they can be ivy league material?

This reminded me that there are many positives about the life we live.  Munchkie goes to a daycare where she is surrounded by kids of many different backgrounds and ethnicities.  She is learning to work well with others, use manners, share, respect those around her and look up to children older than her. She is well loved and knows that Mommy and Daddy can relax and have fun with her. We both work and she sees that working is a necessary part of life.  Munchkie understands that household chores are shared by both Mommy and Daddy.  She knows that she does not get everything she asks for and that she needs to work to achieve her goals.

While it still kills me to go to work, I also know that we have our priorities straight.

Some days are just plain hard

Today was one of those busy days at work.  At the time I was supposed to be getting off they were short staffed and so I decided to stay an extra few hours to get a little bit of extra money.  Munchkie's Nana and Aunt are here visiting and so we didn't have to wake Munchkie to take me to work this morning or keep her awake to pick me up.  Even if I had miraculously left work on time I still wouldn't have been able to see her or spend time with her today.  If I'm not going to spend time with her, I might as well make money right?

So after 16+ hours of work I'm tired, hungry and ready for bed.  On top of all that, I also am trying to resist the urge to scoop Munchkie out of her pack and play and snuggle with her in my bed.  I know Munchkie's Daddy would not be ok with that at all!  There's an aching in my heart and I just want to hold her.  I can't wait to see her smiling face tomorrow. I can't wait to get hugs and kisses. While there are hard days, there's always something to look forward to to help you get through them.  I am going to go to bed that way I can see that smile sooner and feel those hugs and kisses sooner. 

My least favorite holiday

I hate Valentine's Day.  Hate it.  Again, I hate it.  I always have.  I know that Munchkie's Daddy doesn't understand, but 22 years of being single and alone isn't completely negated with 7 years of being with someone.  My wonderful mom would always give me Valentine's care packages and send me fun things while I was single.  And even after I was with Munchkie's Daddy.  These cookies are what I think of when I think about Valentine's Day.  My mom would send them to me every year.

Ginger Valentine's Cookies

1 cup sugar
1 cup shortening
1 cup molasses (I actually didn't have any so I used 1/2 cup dark brown sugar and 1/2 cup maple syrup)
2 eggs
4 cups sifted flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ginger
2 teaspoons cinnamon
Raw (or coarse) sugar
Dove chocolates

1. Cream together the sugar and shortening.
2. Add molasses and unbeaten eggs.
3. Mix well.
4. Sift together the dry ingredients and stir in.
5. Roll into 1 inch balls.
6. Dip the balls in a bowl of raw sugar until coated.
7. Place balls on greased cookie sheet about 3 inches apart.
8. Bake at 350 degrees for 12-15 minutes.
9. When you take out of the oven press a chocolate into cookie while still warm.
10. **Dough keeps indefinitely in the refrigerator**

And now I am going to bed because I am exhausted.

So young and naive,  if only we had an inkling of what our life would be like.

Tears Fall

Tears fall today for another precious child taken to Heaven.  Who knew that such a small body with such a short life could change hearts and lives.  Although we think this life was taken too soon, there are no more owies, no more tubes, no more wires, no more sleepless nights, and no more crying.  How wonderful to have a perfect body, pain free, and to be able to do the things you could never do.  Heaven is a better place for you, precious little baby, but earth is a much sadder place now that you're gone.

Please keep in your thoughts and prayers the parents whose children are taken from them to dance with the angels in heaven.

These are the parts of my job that I don't love.

A dose of self esteem

I had to go into work today for my annual review.  Ugh.  I hate these things.  To make matters worse, instead of someone else reviewing me I had to review myself.  I had tried to work on this this several times while I was working, but never finished and so I went in this morning to complete my self review.  I tossed and turned in bed last night, waking up several times and was literally sick to my stomach when I woke up.

My whole life I've been taught to act humbly and put others first.  When you do a self evaluation you can't be humble or self-deprecating.   Well I guess you can, but you won't get a raise.  It was so difficult to type out why I should be rated highly and what I have done to deserve high numbers.  It seemed too close to bragging, and that goes against every grain of my being.  It took me a couple hours to complete it and I still felt uncomfortable and squirmy-in-my-seat when I was finished. 

I think that you need to sit back and evaluate your self esteem before you go into something like this.  Yes, there is a place and time for humbleness, but you also should be proud of your accomplishments and achievements.  This is something that I need to learn.  I can be proud of what I've done and I do deserve that recognition (because you sure don't get recognition for your accomplishments as a mother). That was my lesson for today. 

Triple Skinny Vanilla Latte Please

You think you are tired when you're a teenager and can sleep in until 4pm.  You think you are tired when you pull all nighters, close to all nighters or wake up at ridiculous hours for nursing clinical in college.  You think you are tired when you are pregnant, wake up every two seconds to pee and can never get comfortable enough to sleep. But nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the exhaustion of motherhood and working outside the home.

I don't know how I'm going to make it to bedtime tonight (and I mean Munchkie's bedtime, not a normal adult's bedtime).  It may not be possible.

Today was Munchkie's Daddy's first day on the new job. I worked the last two nights.  Our new babysitter just flew in from Brazil yesterday afternoon.  So what does all this mean?  It means that I don't sleep.  Two nights in a row at work are exhausting enough, but add to that a week of not sleeping well and then trying to stay up today with Munchkie and let's just say I'm barely functioning.

I think that God invented Starbucks for working-outside-the-home moms.  Seriously.  I have tried multiple times to give up this addiction to caffeine that mostly consists of skinny vanilla lattes and it never lasts very long.  All it takes is one night of work and one day of staying up and bring on the caffeine.

With my SVL I can sit on the couch, pretend to take a moment for myself and sip a little piece of heaven. While the fourth member of our family, Elmo, entertains Munchkie. 

   

*Sigh*

Ok, now let's tackle this mess, sort through toys, create a grocery list for several weeks of frozen meals, figure out dinner, feed the fam, grocery shop, make weekend plans, and prep the kitchen for a day of freezer meal preparation.

I can do all things through Christ who invented Skinny Vanilla Lattes that give me strength.