Taking Baby Steps

Lately I've been feeling like I can hardly hold things together. I feel like I can't do anything well.  I think that a lot of it is our "fresh" start, which feels more difficult than fresh.  I had set all of these goals and guidelines for myself when we moved and I feel as thought I have let my family and myself down.  The very first blog I started reading was Simple Mom and somehow she has managed to post something at the exact time that I needed it.  It is beyond eery the timing of her posts.  I have commented on this to Munchkie's Daddy and close friends several times, and it's happened again.  Tsh (that's her name, interesting isn't it?) recently had a post on Imperfection and discussed how we cannot be perfect, then another blog I read Simple Organic posted The Truth About What I Don't Do inspired by Tsh's post..  I really appreciated reading that someone else, someone who inspires me, isn't as perfect as I picture them in my head. This may sound weird, but it took a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I have been struggling with loneliness in this move, but then I guess I added a bunch of other unneeded stresses to my life as well.  I thought that I would magically love doing dishes, so decided that we could survive without a dishwasher to be "frugal" and "eco friendly."  I thought that somehow I wouldn't mind folding and putting away clothes, which just isn't the case, and it's even more apparent in a two foot square apartment.  I also thought that I would be ok with working in a hospital setting, rotating shifts between days and nights, working weekends and holidays, which is just really difficult.  I thought that taking public transportation would be the easy way to do things, not three to four times longer than actually driving.

I should have realized that the stressors of moving, starting over and flipping my way of life around was enough to deal with.  I shouldn't have added onto myself the need to be perfect as well.  Because that isn't obtainable.  Nobody's perfect, nobody does everything right.  I certainly am the furthest thing from perfect, and I think that the last few weeks have really hit me hard in these respects.  When I don't obtain a goal I set for myself I get so discouraged that I don't think I can obtain any goal I set for myself.  Which then makes me fall further and further from the direction I was going.  I get so overwhelmed by my backtracking that I have a hard time moving forward and this is the place I am in now.  I feel that I have backtracked on my goals and can't quite figure out how to start working on them again. 

As the article on Simple Organic said today, baby steps.  You can only take baby steps.  So I think that my baby step will be to go to bed, since it's late, wake up in a little while and after taking Ana to daycare, do the dishes.  I think that I will also write out my goals so that I have a list and once there's a list, there's a responsibility to cross things off.

• Do the dishes as they get dirty- not put them by the sink for later
• Vacuum several times a week
• Do laundry on a regular basis and
• put the clothes away as they are clean.
• Loose those last 20 pounds
• Exercise (I was going to say exercise more, but then that would be a lie, so we'll just start with exercise)
• Meal plan
• Cut out TV
• Sleep more at night, so I'm not tired and unproductive during the day
• Get out and make friends
• Complete the sewing project that I have all of the supplies for.
• Hang pictures on the walls
• Keep the kitchen counter clutterfree

I think that is a good start for now.  With some baby steps I think that I can get past this funk that I am in right now.

MY Mama Never Said There'd Be Days Like This!

Well, at least if my mom did tell me there would be days like these, I didn't listen to her.  To start, I am writing this at 2:09 am.  I worked Friday night through Wednesday night with Monday night "off", which means that I spent at least part of the day sleeping for work, working or sleeping from work, Friday through Thursday and spent over 63 out of 133 hours at work.  Ugh!  Today I intentionally only allowed myself a few hours sleep in the hopes that I would be able to sleep tonight.  Nice try!

While working so much there was absolutely no way that I could even fathom thinking up, making and cleaning up after a meal.  I have never been so thankful for Chipotle in all of my life.  I was able to "provide" a meal that was full of veggies, beans, and meat free of hormones or antibiotics.  It was a delicious meal that fed us that night, then Munchkie and Munchkie's Daddy the next day for lunch as well.

I just don't ever think that I realized how tired a person could be.  Emotionally and physically.  All this work, prep for traveling to the in-laws this weekend, more work, traveling 17 hours to the family lakehouse, more work and then moving is a lot for one little family to handle!  I just never expected my life to be like this.  So busy all of the time that I can barely keep my head on straight, let alone do things that are enjoyable.  On Tuesday when I woke up I took Munchkie to daycare, Munchkie's Daddy to work, came home, got a quick work out in, showered, dashed off to the dentist, came home, tried to sleep for a couple hours, got my dinner and Munchkie's lunch ready for the next day, laid her outfit out, while trying to have some quality time with the family at the same time as I was getting ready for work.  Whew!

So how is it, that after this exhausting week I cannot fall asleep?  How is this possible?  Probably a lot of it has to do with the fact that when my head hits the pillow it starts running like crazy.  Making lists for the store, making lists of things to pack for this weekend, making lists of things to pack for two weeks from now, figuring out what days I can get all of the laundry done, plotting out a Word document of all the things we need to measure at the new apartment next week, who I need to call to catch up with and meals I can put together or bring with me to keep eating healthy during these busy times.

Throughout this I am finding it even more important to deliberately spend time with my family.  Something I thought just happened.  I never realized that you have to specifically set aside time to spend with those you live with.  Through all of this we are trying to make time to get a little movement in together.  This actually works out beautifully, we go walking on paths by our house laughing, talking and playing together.  We look for animals and identify different sounds we hear.  Then we sit on the rock and watch for boats to go by before heading back watching out for rocks and roots.  Taking this time in the quiet, peaceful outdoors has really showed me how great it is to spend time moving as a family, it makes those busy times just melt away for a little while.

Yay! E-i-zing!

I have tried countless times to get into exercising.  To be honest, I just hate it.  It's something that I dread, but I know that I have to do.  I don't enjoy sweating.  I don't enjoy huffing and puffing.  I don't enjoy feeling like I'm going to die.  I don't enjoy having to take the time to get ready afterwords. I just don't like it.  Munchkie's Daddy and I say frequently that we wish we were the kind of people who craved running or weight lifting instead of craving Cheese-its or ice cream.  We're just not those kind of people.  Munchkie's Daddy sent me this article on How Exercise Makes Us Feel Good from the NY Times and I know that you are supposed to feel good when you exercise, but it's actually building up the motivation to start exercising that's the problem.  When you anticipate the sweating, shortness of breath, feeling of death, you have to really psych yourself up to exercise.  We are moving soon to an area that relies mostly on public transportation, bikes or your own two feet to get around and so I feel that we need to really work on our physical fitness.  If I'm miserable exercising and I have to run a few blocks to catch a train, I'm going to be out of breath, sweating and miserable before I even get to work.  Not something I'm looking forward to.

I subscribe to several of the Simple Living Media blogs and in their newsletter they highlighted this post on Simple Family Fitness and it caught my eye.  I have always been someone who needed someone to exercise with and keep me motivated.  Who's better to keep you motivated than your family?  So I did some blog hopping from that post and went to fitfamilytogether.com to read some more.  Munchkie's Daddy really like the idea too and so I signed up for the 7 day challenge.  We went on our first family walk together when I woke up today.  I have to go back into work tonight, but instead of wanting to lay on the couch and not do anything, I'm feeling pretty good.  We had such a fun time and hope to continue going on family walks and bike rides. In the words of Munchkie "Yay Mommy, we're e-i-zing! look at me! I running!"