Twinges to a Bursting Heart

For whatever reason Munchkie has woken up several times already tonight crying out.  Sometimes it's just a little cry and then she falls right back to sleep.  A few times she has not been able to calm until one of us goes upstairs.  I don't want for her to become dependent on us to sleep and I want her to be able to soothe herself back to sleep, but she is just so precious that I want to stay at her crib.  I love to watch her sleep, comb my fingers through her hair and hold her chubby little hand.  She almost instantly falls back to sleep, just knowing that Mama is there.  Sometimes, if she's had a really bad dream, she will say "snuggle for a minute Mama?" and how can you turn that down?  I certainly can't.  I have to jump on any opportunity to cuddle with that crazy girl.

I don't know what it is about a sleeping child, but it sends a wave of peace over you and your heart feels as though it is about to burst with love.  Even if the trip upstairs to bed was a fight and an ordeal.  That sleeping form makes all of the frustration disappear and there is nothing but love. It's not even something that can be described.

Nights like these make it so difficult to go back to work in a couple nights.  While I have always enjoyed working nights, I am not there when she cries out.  I don't get to spend those extra moments leaning over her crib watching her sink back into a deep sleep.  In the middle of the night and hours of the early morning, it's not my name she cries, she has come to realize that I am not a reliable person to come to her rescue.  It's daddy who is there every night.  Daddy who gets her ready for bed.  Daddy who comes to cover her with her blanket when she wakes all disoriented.  When Mama is there, it's a surprise and not the expected.  Even while my heart is near bursting, this realization feeds a nagging twinge.  A twinge that is difficult to ignore.  A twinge that I will feel as I care for other children in the dark hours of the night and early morning.  I just hope that my bursting heart can help me better care for those children in need when I am away from my own.

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