Serve With Extra Love

I got this email and first thought that you can't go wrong with Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie, and then when I read the accompanying story I was in tears by the end. 

"All she wanted was for us to make pie and share it with someone we love."

Wow.

It makes me want to make a pie tonight.  If only Munchkie's Daddy would appreciate the gesture (he's not a sweets kind of person and probably wouldn't eat it anyway). I will find someone to make pie for. You never know how long your loved ones are in your life.  Cherish each moment.  And "serve with extra love."

For Jennie & Mikey- Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

In Jennie's Kitchen:
For Mikey 

And if you aren't already crying-
One Last Dance  

On This Day of FairyTale Romance

I worked last night and my fellow employees, females of course, were counting down the minutes to The Royal Wedding.  I know that this is an important moment in history and the world has joined together to watch these two people in love, so I feel like such a weirdo because I'm just not into all the details.  I think that it's sad that so many celebrity couples just don't last and I feel that only time will tell if the money spent for this one day was actually worth it.

Tonight Munchkie's Daddy showed me this clip he had DVRed for me and this was so touching.  This is true love.  This is what we should strive towards.  The words "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" are way more important than the thousands of dollars spent on the dress the words are said in.

The Story of Danny and Annie

I hope that it touches you as much as it touched me.  This is a real fairy tale romance.

Aquarium Day....... Again....

I have been reading a book that my good friend sent me "I Don't Know How She Does it" by Allison Pearson and while I can relate to a lot of what is happening in the book, it also makes me feel so much better that maybe I do hold my life together.  I have laughed quite a bit in understanding of the situations and feel like there is finally a book I can relate to while being a working mom.  The pure exhaustion, intense guilt of going to work and desire to "make up" for the time spent away from family.  The book makes me feel legitimized in my feelings and helps me know that I am not the only mother who both loves and hates her job at the same time.  I hate to go because it's so hard to leave but when I'm there I love what I do.  Still, I think of the sacrifices that could be made to stay at home,  not leaving my daughter in the care and control of someone else.

In the book the main character, Kate Reddy, talks about what an awesome responsibility parenthood is.  She says that YOU decide what to teach your kids.  It's up to YOU to help them form their beliefs, morals and ways of life.  What you say, your children believe and your life is an example to them.  She talks about how hard it is to not want your kids to drink juice, but then you aren't there every day to enforce these rules, someone else, that you are paying to grow close to your child, is the one who decides how the rules are followed through.

Now all this to say that I have been overly sensitive lately about having to go to work and leave my daughter in the care of people whom I barely know.  I am giving them my daughter and my hard earned money.  Something seems slightly wrong about this.  So in my guilt, I have been trying to do fun things with Munchkie on my days off.  We have gone to the aquarium weekly for a couple of months now because she loves it so much.  We went to get our car washed several times in the last couple months just for fun, and I let her walk along beside me in Target because I want the time we spend together to be happy memories for both of us.

This week when we were at the aquarium I noticed (and obviously was bothered by it, or I wouldn't be blogging) that the other moms were giving me this look.  We go first thing in the morning, just minutes after the aquarium opens, on a weekday when there aren't many people there.  The moms look at me and give me this look.  The only way I know how to describe it is "Aren't you just so glad that we get to stay home and do things with our kids?  We are providing so much more to them by staying home and enriching their lives with outings such as the aquarium."  I really am not imagining these looks.  At first I thought I was just crazy, but then I realized that every single mom gave me that look.  And the two dads that were there with their children had almost guilty looks on their faces.  Probably similar to what I was feeling, the "I work so much and spend so little time with my children that I take them to places like the aquarium so we can have a good time together and talk about it for several days afterword while I continue to work and not be home."  I wanted to punch these moms in the face and tell them that they have no idea.

While Munchkie and I were at the children's touch and explore tank, feeling sea stars and crabs, there were three moms, with their kids running around uncontrolled, talking.  I overheard their conversation and had to roll my eyes.  They were discussing the academies they were applying to get their kids into.  The one mom asked if they had been to visit a certain academy and the responding mom waved a hand in the direction of a crazy young boy running around saying "well I don't know if we would be able to get in because we have to work on such and such."  The boy couldn't even talk yet.  Seriously?  You spend your days discussing what you have to work on with your preverbal toddler to get them into an academy so they can be ivy league material?

This reminded me that there are many positives about the life we live.  Munchkie goes to a daycare where she is surrounded by kids of many different backgrounds and ethnicities.  She is learning to work well with others, use manners, share, respect those around her and look up to children older than her. She is well loved and knows that Mommy and Daddy can relax and have fun with her. We both work and she sees that working is a necessary part of life.  Munchkie understands that household chores are shared by both Mommy and Daddy.  She knows that she does not get everything she asks for and that she needs to work to achieve her goals.

While it still kills me to go to work, I also know that we have our priorities straight.

The Stress of Uncertainty

I don't deal well with uncertainty.  I don't like when I don't know what's going to happen, whether it be plans for a weekend or the next five years of my life.  I have been trying very hard to calm myself down and not allow myself to get caught up in the stress of not knowing, but it is very difficult.  Our lives are in such an unstable place right now that it is wracking havoc on my ability to be in control.  Throughout the entire application process for PHD programs I have chanted "God has a plan, God has a plan" to remind myself that sometimes I am not always the one in control.  However, when the decisions started pouring in, and they weren't the decisions that I had planned on, it wasn't easy.

After several days of hardly getting a word out without crying, I am finally at a point where I can go about my daily business without Munchkie coming up and putting a hand on me saying "Mommy ok?  No crying Mama."  She is so sweet!  While our future is still completely up in the air and we have quite a few difficult decisions to make in the upcoming months, I have to remind myself that "God has a plan" and so I need to move on and pray that we can make the best decisions based on what his plan is.  We didn't plan on Munchkie, but what an AMAZING blessing she has been in our lives.  I can only hope and pray that we continue to be bestowed with more blessings as amazing as she (without there being more kids involved, haha).
I found the lyrics to this hymn tonight and it really spoke to me.

I Know Who Holds The Future
~Ira Forest Stamphill

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.
Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.
I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Happy Birthday Munchkie!

My feet and back are killing me from standing in the kitchen for the last 5-6 hours working on Munchkie's birthday cake.  Munchkie's Daddy had the living room covered with play kitchen parts, instructions, screws, boxes and tools.  I think we are finally almost ready to go to bed after an exhausting evening of prep work.

My little oops is two.  I just can't believe it.  I can't believe how fast the last two years has gone and how much our lives have changed.  Since I have been reminiscing in my head, I thought I would share a little of Munchkie birth day with you.  I have been trying really hard not to cry for the last several days. I think I have been doing a pretty good job of holding it together.  Posting these pictures is definitely going to make me loose it though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUNCHKIE!!!

March 12, 2009 12:44am 8 pounds 20 inches

Love at first sight

My precious bundle of joy

Yep, I'm crying.

Change

While I like to say that I am quick to adapt to change, the truth is that I'm not.  I may not be like my grandparents who have the e-machine we all got them for Christmas one year in their spare room closet because they don't want a computer.  I have embraced the technology age, as you can tell, and don't know how I would live without my computer, cell phone and DVR.  However there are other changes that I balk at.  Right now we are preparing for quite a few changes in our lives that are quite stressful for me. The change that I did not even think would be a problem is the one I have been dwelling on the most lately.

Munchkie is turning two.

I know that I'm being slightly ridiculous, but I'm really struggling with this. I have been looking at old pictures, watching old videos and pulling out some tiny little clothes.  I just can not believe that two years have gone by so quickly.  I always thought two-year-olds were still babies and that it wasn't until they were closer to kindergarten that they became "kids" but that's not the case.  Or maybe Munchkie is closer to kindergarten than I want to admit.  Either way, there is no longer a baby in this family.  I think that because I work with infants and toddlers I see these little babies and realize how big Munchkie really is.  She helps me cook, wipes up her own messes (don't worry, I clean up after her), can put her dishes in the sink, picks out her meals and clothes, and knows every word of every song on her Raffi CD.

Munchkie's Daddy might say that I have "baby fever" and that may be partially right.  Mostly I'm just mourning the loss of my baby.  My baby that would cuddle with me and fall asleep in my arms.  My baby that was so tiny and dependent.  My baby that needed to be fed and clothed.  My baby that was chubby and immobile.

I think part of my mourning is because I know that it will be several years before there is another baby in our family.  Yes, did all of you out there read that.  It will be several years before there is another baby in our family.  Munchkie's Daddy has five more years of school left and I can't even begin to imagine being the breadwinner, keeping up with Munchkie, holding a home together while being pregnant and then supporting a family of four humans and two canines while Munchkie's Daddy is in school.  Not happening. 

And so tomorrow we take Munchkie to get her picture taken for her second birthday, thus starting her birthday celebration.  We will be celebrating her transition from babyhood and I will try not to let my mourning effect my smile.  I will have fun enjoying this stage in our lives.  I will sit and play with my little girl who tells me what to play and how she wants to do things.

Bop the Bunny meets The Big Girl

So I was beyond excited when Munchkie successfully used the Elmo potty.  I spoke with her teachers at daycare and they said that potty training at daycare starts with her being able to pull her own pants and diaper off. She is perfectly capable of taking her pjs off, and yesterday her poopy diaper (that was a fun mess).  I decided before I showed her how to take her clothes and diaper off, I needed to make sure that she is really going to potty train.

My goal was have Munchkie potty trained and pacifier free by her second birthday.  I realized that if she became potty trained, she might regress if the pacifier was taken away.  So even though I need to jump on the chance to stop having to change diapers, I want to make sure that it's for real.

So we went on quite an expedition today to get to a Build-A-Bear Workshop (obviously I pay such good attention at the mall closest to us that I didn't realize there wasn't one and had to ask where there was a Build-A-Bear).  Several years ago I had read in a magazine a suggestion of using Build-A-Bear to wean off of pacifiers and I always wanted to use it when I had a child of my own.  However, I realized that it was basically going cold turkey, so we are also going to incorporate the technique that my own parents used on me.  Each night they would cut little pieces off of my pacifier, and I am going to do the same with Munchkie.  Tonight Munchkie cried for a few minutes, but fell asleep after just a few minutes of crying (could have been that she didn't take any nap today) and hopefully will stay asleep.

Since I'm working the next four days in a row, and I don't really remember the last time I worked days, I hope that Munchkie sleeps through the night pacifier free.  Next week we will go hardcore into potty training.  Because in a month from tomorrow, she will be two.  How did this happen??? 

Stuffing her bops into the bunny.

Using the peddle to add the stuffing.

Deciding that it's perfectly stuffed.

Hugs for Bop the Bunny while enjoying Big Girl Smoothies.

Bop the Bunny takes her place in Munchkie's crib with a bop in each extremity.

So proud I could cry (and did)

This morning I was checking my email after getting home from work and Munchkie was standing next to me, all of the sudden she looked up at me and said "Elmo potty?"  I said "do you need to go sit on the Elmo potty?" She said "yeah, ok!"

So we went to the bathroom and sat on the potty.  Then she PEED IN THE POTTY!  She said "Yay!  Pee pee in potty!  Sticker!  Yay!"  Then I said "are you all finished or do you want to keep trying?"  She said "keep trying!"  and so she sat there and POOPED IN THE POTTY!

The cheers in our bathroom were probably pretty similar to sports bars across Wisconsin last night.  As soon as she was finished she reminded me that she got two stickers, a "peepee sicker, poopoo sicker, 1, 2"

I was so proud of my little Munchkinroo!  It may have been the exhaustion from last night being my third night in a row at work, but I was so overwhelmed by how grown up my little baby is.  She's not a little baby anymore.  Not at all.  She can tell us when she has to go potty.  I'm just so stinkin proud.  What a huge accomplishment.  Now if only we could get rid of that bop (pacifier)........

Tears Fall

Tears fall today for another precious child taken to Heaven.  Who knew that such a small body with such a short life could change hearts and lives.  Although we think this life was taken too soon, there are no more owies, no more tubes, no more wires, no more sleepless nights, and no more crying.  How wonderful to have a perfect body, pain free, and to be able to do the things you could never do.  Heaven is a better place for you, precious little baby, but earth is a much sadder place now that you're gone.

Please keep in your thoughts and prayers the parents whose children are taken from them to dance with the angels in heaven.

These are the parts of my job that I don't love.

Rough Morning

This morning Munchkie and I drove Munchkie's Daddy to work and then we drove to take her to the babysitter's.  When I turned right to go into the driveway and Munchkie saw the house she started crying, screaming "NO! NO! NO!", waving her hands no, and kicking her legs.  Just by driving into the driveway.  Then I parked the car and got out and she held onto her car-seat straps and said "Please? Please?  No! No! No!" but I had to take her out of the car-seat.  I pulled her out and she wrapped her legs around me, held me in a death grip and laid her head on my shoulder.

We stood in the driveway and cried together.

After several minutes of trying to compose myself I grabbed Munchkie's bags and walked up to the front door.  We pressed the doorbell while a lady was smoking on the front step and the poisonous second hand smoke was wafting over us.

I stood there and told Ana "Remember all your favorite Elmo toys?  Your Elmo music book is upstairs.  Do you want to play with all of your Elmo toys?"
She replied "Yes!"
I said "Ok, then we have to go upstairs so you can play."

We pressed the doorbell again.  Nothing.

Then we walked back to the car so I could check with Munchkie's Daddy that they were expecting us.  Munchkie started crying then and said "Elmo! Elmo!"  So I was hopeful that maybe once she saw the Elmo toys that it would be smooth sailing.

Finally on the third ring we were let upstairs.  At first when Munchkie saw the babysitter she smiled and waved, then when the babysitter held her arms out for Munchkie she turned and clung to me.  I took her inside, put her bags down and set up her sound machine.  The whole time she was crying.  I said give mommy a kiss, kissed her through her tears and wide open mouth begging me "Please Please" then walked out.  I could hear her crying as I walked down all three flights of stairs. 

I frantically got in my car and lost it just as the door closed.  I sat there and cried.

I thought that I had it together so I began to drive away.  I cried as I drove.

How can I sleep to prepare for work tonight?  Is it really worth it?  Nobody said it was easy.  But nobody said it would be THIS hard to be a working mom.